So I have to say

My upper arms have been covered in those little red dots for as long as I can remember. I used to call them arm bumpies or dry skin bumps - that’s still what I call them, actually - and pick at them and squeeze little membranes out of them and then pick at the scabs and then pick at the replacement scabs. Apparently lots of people have them though maybe not the accompanying OCD – they’re called keratosis pilaris and are notoriously difficult to get rid of. There’s an expensive lotion for sale at Sephora specifically to combat them that I have never tried. Anyway, when I got married a while ago I decided to make a half-assed attempt to clear them up out of some socially conforming bridal urge to be perfect. I bought some Eucerin Plus with urea (isn’t that pee?) that did nothing except make my arms feel clammy and sticky all day. I definitely had wedding-day arm bumpies – let’s call them goosebumps, shall we? However, on the honeymoon I had a spa treatment where they scrape your skin off with a dry brush, slather you in cream and wrap you in dry cleaning bags to get claustrophobic and twitchy and moist, and afterwards I noticed that my arms looked significantly better. Not totally bumpless, but much smoother and less red. So now that I know it’s relatively easy I’ve developed my own easy at-home cure.

I bought some shea butter based lotion from Arbre de Vie which is nice and thick but still spreadable, and though the unscented’s “natural nut fragrance” initially struck me as “rancid olive oil” it disappates pretty quickly and I now find it inoffensive. I’m sure any decent-quality shea butter or other serious moisturizer would do the trick. It’s good to exfoliate first, in or out of the shower. I pile the lotion on my arms and have Josh wrap them in plastic wrap. You can do it without help but it’s easier and more fun with someone. You can turn it into the start to a sexy evening. Or maybe not, but any loving partner should be able to overlook a few strange crinkly hugs to enjoy the benefits of the new supersmooth or at least less abrasive you. Put a sweatshirt on or blow dry your arms on hot – why would you do that? Just put a sweater on – and go about your business for about 30 minutes. You could do this every day and I don’t think they’d go away entirely so I wouldn’t waste my time or saran wrap. Once a week seems pretty effective.  

It’s not the greatest medical discovery the world has ever known but I’m kinda happy with it.